My DH sent me a forward (ack!!) of quotes yesterday. Here are a couple of my favorites:
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two ” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for
that.. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey
“My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you
how to swim.’”
–Paula Poundstone
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien
“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery
“I think I know how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
–Richard Jeni
“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
–Dave Barry
“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
– W. C.. Fields